I have no spark. I hear my phone ring and I just can't... I keep breathing in and out and trying not to tremble. The bones in my fingers feel hot. It's like the inside of my skin has spikes that rub against the bone. Every extra letter burns. I can't breath deeply, no matter how much I try. I feel dizzy.
I was so strong. I didn't cry in front of either of them. I was so young. I saw so much and I can't stop remembering. He kicked her with his boots. I didn't even know what he was doing that summer. I tracked the years by school calendars. There's all this blur up until my ninth birthday, he didn't stay.
I got off the swing. I got scared when I heard the creak of the bolts. I touched my foot to the ground and dragged it to a stop and I got up as quick as I could. And it hurt. The swings were my favorite, I wanted to touch the sky. At Parklane Elementary I went up as high as the sun with my eyes closed and my body warm and today I got off. I was too scared.
I don't remember a specific moment, a special event, a shift. I just got scared. I stopped. I wanted so much. I was going to be an artist. I was going to be famous. I was going to be happy. But I was scared. I stopped raising my hand. I stopped asking questions. I stopped drawing. I stopped trying. I peaked at 7 and again at 17 and I haven't hit another mountain yet but I feel like i'm past the base, and i'm climbing...and losing air... and I can't breath. It feels cold.
My fingers hurt but I know i'll reach the sky soon. I just can't bear to think i'm not close enough. I feel the rays and the breeze, I just cant breath. I run, and run, and run, and I fall. And I run, and run, and I stop. I can't try anymore. I can't go anymore. I don't want to, I want to fall...
It wont leave me alone. It found me when I left my best friend. Over, and over, and over again. The only constant was a crush in third grade and the thought that I could focus on him and I could forget... all the best friends. I cherished the moments so much. They kept me going. I had hope. But it found me when my friend left. When I was alone. I was too damn close to the two of them but I wanted to get a way , I needed a friend! But she left and it got me and it hasn't let go off me since.
I recouped. I forced all my energy into... the nice one, the cute one, the cool one. The perfect one...It got me after him. I tried to get away and I ran, I ran so damn fast, I was at the top of the mountain and I embraced it, I breathed! I took all the breaths I could and I used them. I flew.
I fell.. I stumbled but I was out of breath. I hit every one of the boulders. I came upon every damn boulder and I kept rolling, I couldn't resist. I stopped trying. It just hurt too much and I wanted it to stop. But it hasn't stopped.
My fingers are tired. They're the new focus. It's an innocent pain. I don't have to feel guilty. I still do but not because of the fingers. I still can't breath but it's not because of today. I don't have to feel guilty. I'm still climbing. I keep coughing and i'm pretty tired. But I want to wake up tomorrow. I think I might hit another peak soon. I just need to start trying. I'm almost there. I'll give them a call tomorrow.